I hit the wall again. I was so fearful that the past was going to repeat itself, when I woke up in pain all over my body. I cried out to God, “I thought I was beyond this! Please don’t allow me to regress! What is going on?” I cried in private, in front of my boss, and was embarrassed at such a weakened state.
I rested, and rested some more. I stretched slowly, watched my diet, used medication, muscle rubs, made sure to get my vitamins and slowly regained strength. I can sense that I am still unable to work like I had, I see it was sending me into a tail spin. I was not ready. Yet it really brought a full picture of what I was struggling with.
I was fleshing out. I was so burdened and in pain, that for a moment I quaked and allowed depression, despair and frustration to hang like a dark cloud on top of the light He placed in my life.
I find it interesting that we can walk in the flesh or walk in the Spirit. In the flesh, I wanted to completely give up. I am reminded of the scripture…
Galatians 5:17- For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.
I wanted to despair, complain, feel sorry for myself and fear. ALL these things are contrary to what is right in the spirit.
The meaning of FLESH-The soft substance of a human or animal.
Flesh is the SOFT part. The part that doesn’t want to contend, to fight, to stand for what freedom I have already gained. By walking in my flesh… I was soft. Why wouldn’t the enemy want to keep me in that state? He would obtain all the victory. The victory over what God HAS done in me.
My flesh had won for a moment. I kicked and cried and screamed. Yet that is not the end of my story, my outcome is victory over the flesh and moment. I will rise up and sing, not because of my limits, but because of my opportunities and new strength.
Now, I will not be unwise with my abilities, BUT I will not let my spirit be weak because of the condition of my body. I will walk not by sight, but by the SPIRIT of the Lord. I will walk confidently that He carries me and I would never ever go back to what I once was. He has done a work and isn’t near finished yet. He is SO good and I give Him all the glory. So for my fleshing out, whining, complaining, wanting to give up moment. I repent, and turn away from that lie. I will walk in HIS truth, and that is… He is an everlasting God and does not grow faint, He does not grow weary, He is the defender of the weak, and comforts those in need. He will lift me up and carry me and I can say …. “HE IS GOOD!”